


Now That You're Gone

by Lyn_x



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Confusion, Hurt, Psychological Trauma, Survivor - Freeform, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, dino deserved to die anyway, mentions of abuse, mentions of dino, self blame, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:41:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27460615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyn_x/pseuds/Lyn_x
Summary: Ash's survivors guilt
Kudos: 11





	Now That You're Gone

**Author's Note:**

> I never the understood this notion of death being some sort of escape? Death does nothing but expose the worst parts of us that we have yet to resolve or yet to discover.

> How am I feeling? I'm ashamed to admit how i'm feeling. Seven years. I've been waiting for this exact moment for years...seven looooong years filled with agony because of bastards like him! Because of **him**!...and now that he's gone... I feel so conflicted. And I know no one will understand. I mean who could understand something so twisted? HA! I guess I am more fucked in the head than I thought. How can it be possible that I feel _sorrow_ over this? I know why I am mad. Actually I'm seething with this rage I can barely contain at this point. That bastard! That fucking bastard always had to have the last say! How dare he let himself die! His death was mine...and then...and then he saved me. The last thing that piece of shit did was save my life. Oh don't be mistaken, I know why he did it. He saw it as his last claim on my life, what fucking good that does him now, but what’s raging in me,eating me alive, is that it worked. If i wasn't for him I wouldn't be alive right now. I wouldn't be here telling you any of this. He knew this. He knew **me**. I want to shout, I want rage, I want to kill him so badly that every fiber in my body is aching. It hurts. I hate him. I hate everything he stands for. I hate everything he's done to me. What he's conditioned me to be. And yet here I am feeling... _loss_. What a fucking joke. Now that he's dead I think back to all the times i could have killed him...why did i wait so long? Why did I play his repulsive game for so many years? So many people were hurt, died along the way too, Shorter, Skip, Griff oh god. So many children I could have saved if I had just gotten rid of him back then. I was in the perfect position. The bastard always let his guard down after a “good fuck”. I could have escaped. I could have killed him, taken his money, went for Griff and left. I know i could have...so why didn't i? This is so frustrating! I didn't think about any of this when the old pig was still kicking. I have been telling myself I was waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect strike but no, that doesn't make sense. Why did I put myself through so much abuse for something as petty as that. I was ready. I was ready years ago when Blanca first trained me. Did I actually care for this bastard? Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach. I think i'm about to throw up right now. How could I care for this bastard? Was it gratitude that spared his life? All I keep thinking about was that some part of me knew it could have had it worse. I knew deep down I was nothing but a whore selling myself out for a better life. So I didn't have to be like those other kids. I didn't want to be like those other kids anymore. At one point he gave me liberty. Obviously it was a false sense of liberty but i was willing to play along as long as I didn't have to be in that house anymore, in that room anymore. The cameras were gone, the jhons were gone. Why didn't I just fucking kill him?! He's gone goddammit!! He can't hurt me anymore or threaten the ones I care about. I’m safe. We’re safe... I’m supposed to be fucking free but how? how can i live my life knowing i owe it to him? He did it. He did what he had always set out to do. He claimed my soul and now that he's dead now that he died saving me I can't reclaim it. I just feel so lost now...help...

**Author's Note:**

> I've actually come to be in this position myself recently which is why this came about. I have always wondered how Ash felt during those last few moments as he witnessed the embodiment of his suffering fall into the pits of Hell. I was conflicted then as I am now and maybe Ash would feel the same? He was a complex character dealing with extremely complex emotions. Death really makes you put life into perspective but it's all really circumstantial to be honest. The death of an abuser effects everyone differently but the fact remains that the effects of trauma linger even after their death. The satisfaction doesn't last for long. The external threat may be gone but the internal damage is not.  
> Sorry. I am what you call Big Sad.


End file.
